More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
