I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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