Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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