yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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