i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
