I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
