Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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