she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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