the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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