is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
