I hate your face
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
