Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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