soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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