I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
