She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize