Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
