Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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