Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it was like having sex with a tree stump
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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