If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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