What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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