I murdered the dance floor call the cops
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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