Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
