Where did you get a picture of my penis
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
