Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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