You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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