If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
