If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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