I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
