I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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