Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
