i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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