Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
