FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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