I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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