The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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