The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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