New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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