quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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