Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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