dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
