I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
