Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
