I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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