Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
