She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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