Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have fence marks all over my body
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize