So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
