Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
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