I'm jealous of your bromance
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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