if i can run in heels then i can drive
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
