after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
try to milk me bitch
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
