At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize