My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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