apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
